The Return and Prince as Theologian

Yes, yes, all the Rumours you didn't hear are true: I, (vain)gloriously, am making my return to blogging. After a two month absence due to mono/malaise, Mayonnaise (with the Tears mixed in) is making a triumphant return. So, we can all relax now (if that's your thing). Your Lamentations (1:8-10) may now cease, for I have heard your voices crying to me in the wilderness and have decided to grace the world with more posts. Also, it's better than looking for a job.

Right now, I'm preparing a blow-out entry that will be hella awesome, but for now, I'll content myself with an exegetical discussion of "Let's Go Crazy," by Prince. Indeed, a heftier and worthier tome of theological insight cannot be found... from 1984... from a major motion picture... with guitars. It is important!

There are, it seems, three key concept in this song: Afterworld, De-Elevator (which I originally thought was "The Elevator," which might actually be better?) and Carpe Diem.


1. "The Afterworld": As St. Prince says:

life
It means forever and that's a mighty long time
But I'm here 2 tell u
There's something else
The afterworld

As he continues:

A world of never ending happiness
U can always see the sun, day or night

Actually:

Nevermind.

I will now sum up the argument as follows:
Prince loves Jesus, but he also loves gettin' busy with the ladies.
Now that we got that out of the way let us meditate on a world gone mad. Done? Good. I didn't even try. To meditate. I ain't no pussy. Suckah.


EDIT: This is actually the first post after more than three months. Which, you know, lets you know that it actually took me a month to write the aforementioned. That means it's gotta be good.

Skunks and Art

Skunks* are fascinating creatures. For example, they can spray their nefarious liquid of evil with high accuracy up to 7 to 15 feet away. That shit's intense! Also, I just learned that Blogger doesn't accept shit's as a word. Weird.
Anyway, skunks/skunxxx are also cool because they are symbol of impossible love of the French cat variety. I always used to wonder why that French ladycat always got into situations where she got lines on her back. It just seems like she would have accepted the fact that God clearly wanted her to be skunk-like and deal with it. Salope stupide!
Also, in retrospect, I think Pepe Le Pew (who, although unnamed, was the actual topic of the previous paragraph) was really an allegory about race relations. Think about it.

Secondly, ART. I really just have been gobsmacked and mindboggled by this Aliza Shvarts thing. I mean, I don't know how so many people bought it as fact (how exactly was she supposed to have ARTificially inseminated herself, for example?) but I'm pleased that it worked out so well for her. It's pretty awesome though, IMHO^. I'm too bored with writing at the moment to really go into this in detail, but I think it was an interesting project, and especially for it to have been a performance piece (not the hoax that the newspapers are calling it) is doubly interesting to me, considering that I as well have a career as a performance artist. Collaboration, perhaps? Maybe? Why you gotta be that way baby? ? WHAT?! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO MAKE AMAZING ART WITH ME, ALIZA! WHY DON'T YOU RETURN MY PHONE CALLS ANYMORE I'M SORRY THAT I SAID THAT THING ABOUT YOUR MOM BUT SHE WAS TOTALLY A BITCH TO ME AND I JUST WANTTOSEEYOURSHININGFACEINTHEMORNINGAGAINOHGODILOVEYOUSOMUCH!!!!!!!

aesthetics.


Lastly 8===D---0-:

YOU'VE BEEN TEARSIFIED for the 12th TIME!!!!!!!!!!




*The word skunk is a corruption of an Abenaki name for them, segongw or segonku, which means "one who squirts" in the Algonquian dialect.
^I'M(A)HO

Month Review

So, yeah, um, I guess I was going to make a week review like three weeks ago or so, and that never happened (blame it on the rain... or Vico and Kierkegaard*...) so I am now just going to do one massive month review thing. THIS'LL BE HUGE!!!!!

KEY TERMS:

1. Finishing theses: I think the mere fact that "theses" always makes me think of "feces" implies that I am probably not intellectual enough to have done this. But guess what, motherfucker?! I DONE DID!
2. Lucky Strike: The cigarette brand that built America.
3. The Young Ones: I don't know why I thought I hated this show for so long. Probably because... well anyway, I like it now. As Hemingway once famously said: "SK is wildly inconsistent. Pass me that Scope, I need to get soaked."
4. Soaked: This is an awesome adjective I invented that means "writes bad novels."
5.Gettin' Wild I'd: While I'm glad to be able to introduce yet another new phrase to the English language, I think this stage of my life is now complete.
6. Not having a car: At first it was charming, now not so much.
7. Striped sweaters: So what if they look bad on me, they are defining my spring with their horizontalness (i.e. how I get with your mom...horizontal....on a bed... ... ... this one needs work)^.
8. Being able to read books again: I'm giddy.
9. Dirty Dancing: You know you should like it, philistine.
10. Chapel Hill: Hometown love!
11. Dear Prudence at Slate.com: Why do I love this so much? I bet if I wrote her and asked her, she would tell me. Maybe it's just because she's a total foxxx (please don't mock me...)


KEY MUSICAL TERMS:
1. Excepter Debt Dept.: I don't understand how this album is so awesome, but it is.
2. Awesome Tapes from Africa: More than lives up to its name. In fact, I'll give them a permanent link on my blog! Hope their server doesn't crash from the massive increase in traffic they're about to receive...
3. Rediscovering 80s Hardcore: Is it obscene for a 22 year-old to enjoy the Dicks, the Necros and the Crucifucks as much as I do?
4. El Guincho Alegranza!: How did I lose interest in this so quickly? Also, who knew that people in Spain made music besides
5. Bernabé de Morón Flamenco España: Best 50 cents I've ever spent. On vinyl. Without that 50 cents being part of a larger sum. Because then I'd've used it towards the purchasing of better things. Maybe. I wish I could do math.
6. Acid Mothers Temple live: Why don't I go to more live shows? Also, how did I miss that part where he threw his guitar up onto the ceiling? That was really stupid of me.
7. Make music with me#.


ALSO:



That's it. See you soon!


MONTH REVIEWED: MENSTRUATED

PS:

* I always thought Kierkegaard was more attractive than this for some reason...
^what I really want is an argyle sweater. that's what dreams are made of.
# Please?

Hipsters' Sources and The Future of Music

Alicia remarked, after viewing videos of Mr. James Taylor on YouTube, that he seems to be the source of hipster fashion. My illustration agrees.

Also, I was thinking the other day about something, and then I thought about this: what new genres of music that would get me genuinely excited? Although I was sadly never able to recreate the initial thought (a loss to history as great, if not greater, than the burning of the Great Library of Alexandria) this second thought really caught my fancy. So I made a list. Now, this might seem like a joke list, but I truly think that these would be worthwhile. In fact, if I weren't lazy and boring*, I would try to make some of these a reality. But I am. So I'm not. You might though. Then I would love you^. Also, I decided not to give these genres snappy titles, mainly for the same reason that I am not creating said genres (for reasons, see above, if you've already forgotten, ie have Alzheimers. Which is not funny. It is in fact sad. Unless you are young. Then it is ironic. And then it might be funny? No? No.).

MUSICAL GENRES THAT SHOULD BE CREATED SO AS MUSIC CAN HAVE A FUTURE:

1. Grindcore without Distortion: Not only should the distortion be removed, but the guitars should be really tinny and trebly. But the songs should still be like 30 seconds long, the singing should still be that deathgrowl or whateveritisthehell that those people call that vocal thing and the drums should consist only of blast beats. I'll leave it up to the practitioners whether or not songs will still be about serial killers and anarchy (are grindcore songs actually about other things? You decide).

2. Free Country: This stems from a dream I had in which I was the best free jazz electric mandolinist in the world. I didn't play just any mandolins, mind you, only electric ones. It was a pretty rad dream as you can no doubt tell. However, since dream-me has already cornered the free jazz market on this sort of instrumentation, I invite my competition to merely play free country instead. What would that entail? I can only imagine it would entail the best sound in the world. Ever. Actually, this one is pretty poorly thought out, but I am sincere in my desire here.

3. Spectorian Wall of Sound + Krautrock: Ever notice how the best part of Phil Spector productions are the intros and the choruses?Ever notice how the best part of Krautrock is how it repeats things endlessly? What would happen if you melded best parts of both genres together? # 3 on my list, that's what. (If you're having trouble with this one, just imagine the intro to "Baby I Love You" by the Ronettes as played by NEU! If you're having trouble imagining that, then you obviously are not me, and that I can't fix, sorry, but also congratulations).

4. Any Genre + Autoharps: I just really like the way they sound.

5. Minimal Reggaton: I actually probably wouldn't listen to this more than the one time it would take for me to figure out what exactly this one would entail. I really have no idea if it would be awesome or terrible. I'll leave it to the ages to decide.

6. Rockabilly with Tons of Distortion: While the heading might make you think "Oh wait! Thats just punk, idiot!" I actually mean it when I say tons of distortion. Like, so much distortion that the guitar lines are half feedback, half excruciatingly loud sound. Sort of, you know, like what the Jesus and Mary Chain did with the Ronettes but with Gene Vincent instead. Think about how incredible that would be, but only with a few conditions: 1) No leather jackets 2) No ducktails 3) Nothing else retarded. Then it would be totes fuckin gravy.


Well, that's it. I could think of more, but I won't. Alas.

Tenth Entry: Genrified

Footnotes:
*balding
^unlikely

PS: I won't tell your mom if you don't tell your dad.

Cohens and Cetera (Ich bin ein falscher Fuchs eines Mannes!)

Firstly, I simply put up this portrait of Leonard Cohen that I did a while ago because I was too lazy to make a new picture for this post. So, there is actually very little about good olde Lenny in what comes ahead. If you were expecting an excellent essay of mine on the vagaries of the magnificence that is Sr. Cohen, you will be sadly disappointed by what is written below, and should, therefore, perhaps not read it. On the other hand, I think that picture is a pretty good critical analysis of said troubadour, so... you could just look at that picture and make up your own essay based on it. That's actually a really good idea. You should do that. And then send me the essay so I can peruse it thoughtfully while scratching my chin*. I think this is a plan we can all get behind.

Onward to things not-Cohen related:

...


;)
That is my favorite emoticon. Leonard Cohen would not approve (see how I just lied about not talking about him again? I am a devious fox of a man!)

Also, last night Party Band played. We played with other bands. I danced. I will not comment on those bands in a critical manner mainly because the one guy had a really swell shirt that had Our Lady of Guadelupe (a personal obsession of mine) with a witch's face superimposed upon her lower torso/pelvis/legs. It was like the witch was erupting out of Our Lady! I was smitten. Also, I'm not going to name these bands in the off chance that they google^ their own names and thereby do something very bad to me/my family/my massive land holdings in the south of France. Of this I am convinced.

Finally: Thanks y'uns.

Eightish Post: Posted

Also, week in review tomorrow...ish!

NB:

I don't need sources, I speak the dialect.

Эрон Кинней 19:05, 16 November 2005 (UTC)

*This means that I will probably viciously mock it on this blog.

^Blogger, owned by Google, does not recognize this as a word. Conspiracy? You tell me.

Valentine's Day=Tears and Mayonnaise Day

Here is a Valentine to whomever actually reads this. (You gotta click on it, obvs.)

Happy Hallmark Day!


Whatever # Entry This Is=Whatevered

EDIT: I fixed the animation so it can now be enjoyed in all its seizure-inducing greatness.

Two Weeks in Review (and it's in one post!)

Alas, other things get in the way, so I have neglected this blog for two weeks running now. But I will make it up to myself with a TWO week review. Here we go:

KEY TERMS:
1.Falling off of porches: Like you didn't.
2. Yellow cardigan: Like sunshine or angel hair or urine!
3. Tequila + Orange Juice= This
4.Alan Jackson's Chattahoochee: If I had a song on infinite repeat for the rest of my life, it would probably neither be this song nor
5. John Michael Montgomery's Life's a Dance: unless I only lived another week or two. And then everything would be gravy. Delicious, delicious gravy. How come people don't put gravy on more stuff? I can think of very few things that aren't better with gravy. Or gravity. Ever notice how similar those two words are? It's because humankind can only exist if both are a constant presence in one's life*.
6. Nietzsche's attack on realism in The Gay Science: Teehee.
7.
8. Weekends: There have been fewer weekends in recent memory that I have needed more than the last two.
9.


A RUMINATION:
I would rather be a llama than a camel. Llamas are cool. Camels are scary. I'd rather be cool than scary. That's called a syllogism.

INSPIRING QUOTATION OF THE WEEK:

"You'd be surprised at what you can handle"
-Probably me a long time ago, but it's still true.

CONCLUSION:

[Your mom's vagina] was further strengthened by the writers' boldness in successfully tackling controversial issues such as alcoholism, [being fat and ugly, e.g. your mom], homosexuality, [being a whore like your mom, who is a prostitute], and adultery.


Post 7: ...

*Actually, whenever I think of gravy, I think of the KFC variety, and I remember that I don't like gravy very much. Also, without gravity, Key Term 1 would have been a bit more enjoyable. In summation: I've had early- to mid-90's country ruining my life lately and I cry myself to sleep at night because of it.