Hipsters' Sources and The Future of Music

Alicia remarked, after viewing videos of Mr. James Taylor on YouTube, that he seems to be the source of hipster fashion. My illustration agrees.

Also, I was thinking the other day about something, and then I thought about this: what new genres of music that would get me genuinely excited? Although I was sadly never able to recreate the initial thought (a loss to history as great, if not greater, than the burning of the Great Library of Alexandria) this second thought really caught my fancy. So I made a list. Now, this might seem like a joke list, but I truly think that these would be worthwhile. In fact, if I weren't lazy and boring*, I would try to make some of these a reality. But I am. So I'm not. You might though. Then I would love you^. Also, I decided not to give these genres snappy titles, mainly for the same reason that I am not creating said genres (for reasons, see above, if you've already forgotten, ie have Alzheimers. Which is not funny. It is in fact sad. Unless you are young. Then it is ironic. And then it might be funny? No? No.).

MUSICAL GENRES THAT SHOULD BE CREATED SO AS MUSIC CAN HAVE A FUTURE:

1. Grindcore without Distortion: Not only should the distortion be removed, but the guitars should be really tinny and trebly. But the songs should still be like 30 seconds long, the singing should still be that deathgrowl or whateveritisthehell that those people call that vocal thing and the drums should consist only of blast beats. I'll leave it up to the practitioners whether or not songs will still be about serial killers and anarchy (are grindcore songs actually about other things? You decide).

2. Free Country: This stems from a dream I had in which I was the best free jazz electric mandolinist in the world. I didn't play just any mandolins, mind you, only electric ones. It was a pretty rad dream as you can no doubt tell. However, since dream-me has already cornered the free jazz market on this sort of instrumentation, I invite my competition to merely play free country instead. What would that entail? I can only imagine it would entail the best sound in the world. Ever. Actually, this one is pretty poorly thought out, but I am sincere in my desire here.

3. Spectorian Wall of Sound + Krautrock: Ever notice how the best part of Phil Spector productions are the intros and the choruses?Ever notice how the best part of Krautrock is how it repeats things endlessly? What would happen if you melded best parts of both genres together? # 3 on my list, that's what. (If you're having trouble with this one, just imagine the intro to "Baby I Love You" by the Ronettes as played by NEU! If you're having trouble imagining that, then you obviously are not me, and that I can't fix, sorry, but also congratulations).

4. Any Genre + Autoharps: I just really like the way they sound.

5. Minimal Reggaton: I actually probably wouldn't listen to this more than the one time it would take for me to figure out what exactly this one would entail. I really have no idea if it would be awesome or terrible. I'll leave it to the ages to decide.

6. Rockabilly with Tons of Distortion: While the heading might make you think "Oh wait! Thats just punk, idiot!" I actually mean it when I say tons of distortion. Like, so much distortion that the guitar lines are half feedback, half excruciatingly loud sound. Sort of, you know, like what the Jesus and Mary Chain did with the Ronettes but with Gene Vincent instead. Think about how incredible that would be, but only with a few conditions: 1) No leather jackets 2) No ducktails 3) Nothing else retarded. Then it would be totes fuckin gravy.


Well, that's it. I could think of more, but I won't. Alas.

Tenth Entry: Genrified

Footnotes:
*balding
^unlikely

PS: I won't tell your mom if you don't tell your dad.